DEEP REFLECTIONS ON TOILET PAPER

“Truth in advertising” has long been the rallying cry of someone. I’m not sure who, exactly; Google was inconclusive. Regardless, there are laws against deceptive advertising. It’s true. 

Or at least, it’s advertised as such.*

I consider myself a smart shopper. I suspect most people do – acknowledging your own dumbness is not a common trait, unless you’re doing it just to make me cry. I’ve always held a steadfast belief that I can see through any advertising mirage and make a sound purchase. But recently I was duped. I felt fooled and hurt - this particular pain in the ass was caused by the very people I trust to keep my ass out of pain.

I’m talking, of course, about toilet paper. When perusing the paper goods aisle recently, I was faced with some impressively packaged TP shouting at me in bold letters: EIGHT ROLLS = SIXTEEN REGULAR ROLLS! I almost grabbed the package and ran, thinking there was no way a deal this good could be legal. But then I noticed that right down the shelf there were TWELVE ROLLS that equaled THIRTY SIX whole REGULAR ROLLS!

Wondering if an even better deal could be found, I widened my scope. I searched the entire aisle – weighing the benefits of soft vs. ultra soft, calculating the exchange rate between one ply and two ply. After what seemed like hours, I decided I oughtn’t just naively believe the many claims about how many regular rolls were in a jumbo roll. I should grab a regular roll for comparison’s sake, so as not to be taken advantage of.

But it was too late. My advantage had already been of taken! For there were no regular-sized rolls… Like Ponce de Leon vainly trying to find the fountain of youth, or Gargamel fruitlessly grasping at Smurfs, I searched and searched. Yet none could be found.

The regular roll was a myth.

A LETTER FROM THE GHOST OF CHARLTON HESTON or "Moses Supposes, Posthumously"

Dear friends on the mortal plane,

Hello! It’s your old pal Chuck Heston, here. Just wanted to drop you a line and see how things are going down there.

My Earthly headshot...
what a handsome devil.

Let me answer your first question straight away: yes, heaven is awesome. We just got Ben-Hur on blu-ray and the whole place is abuzz about the realism of Hugh Griffith’s blackface, not to mention the clarity and definition of Haya Harareet’s willowy bosom. Afterlife is good.

However, word has reached my ears that there’s a groundswell of support for more restrictive gun control laws in America (I say that in a figurative sense, since in my current form – an ethereal blend of mist and light – I have no physical features). As a pre-eminent firearms activist, I feel like it’s my duty to remind you of the sanity and logic behind the right to carry a gun. That’s why I served as president of the NRA, and that’s why I made the well-known educational films Rifles: Why Ya Gotta Be So Loud? and Rifles 2: Fuck You, Deer.

BOOKS I HAVEN'T READ or "Wallowing In Shelf Pity"

I like books.

They make me feel smart – why just look at the shelf behind me, which holds dozens of them! I must be quite the edified young gentleman!

They generally have words and/or pictures in them (often both at the same time, though let’s not go down that particular wormhole), both of which I tend to enjoy.

They’re an excellent source of conversation, provided you’re able to converse with the random eighty year old retiree or sixteen-year-old hipster who’s still into reading.

In fact, I’d go as far as saying they’re foundational to our very culture. I know I’m out on a limb, here. Don’t believe me? Matthew Lesko knows what I'm talking about.

I like books so much that I actually buy them. That may not sound like a big deal, but keep in mind that I steal most forms of entertainment.*

I also don’t like books.**