“Truth in advertising” has long been the rallying cry of someone.
I’m not sure who, exactly; Google was inconclusive. Regardless, there are laws against
deceptive advertising. It’s true.
Or at least, it’s advertised as such.*
I consider myself a smart shopper. I suspect most people do
– acknowledging your own dumbness is not a common trait, unless you’re doing it
just to make me cry.
I’ve always held a steadfast belief that I can see through any advertising
mirage and make a sound purchase. But recently I was duped. I felt fooled and hurt
- this particular pain in the ass was caused by the very people I trust to keep
my ass out of pain.
I’m talking, of course, about toilet paper. When perusing
the paper goods aisle recently, I was faced with some impressively packaged TP
shouting at me in bold letters: EIGHT
ROLLS = SIXTEEN REGULAR ROLLS! I almost grabbed the package and ran,
thinking there was no way a deal this good could be legal. But then I noticed
that right down the shelf there were TWELVE
ROLLS that equaled THIRTY SIX
whole REGULAR ROLLS!
Wondering if an even better deal could be found, I widened
my scope. I searched the entire aisle – weighing the benefits of soft vs. ultra
soft, calculating the exchange rate between one ply and two ply. After what
seemed like hours, I decided I oughtn’t just naively believe the many claims
about how many regular rolls were in a jumbo roll. I should grab a regular roll
for comparison’s sake, so as not to be taken advantage of.
But it was too late. My advantage had already been of taken!
For there were no regular-sized rolls… Like Ponce de Leon vainly trying to find
the fountain of youth, or Gargamel fruitlessly grasping at Smurfs, I searched
and searched. Yet none could be found.
The regular roll was a myth.
