2013: THE YEAR IN BIEBER

Wow, what a year. 

2013 really showed us the best and worst of ourselves, huh? And nobody can say that more than pop icon Justin Bieber. Let’s take a walk down memory lane and recap some of the highlights (and lowlights!) that we’ll be talking about for years to come.

January starts with great promise, as J-Biebs gives a powerful performance on Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve. Fans around the world are inspired to start their new year off right – including the United States Congress, which finally reaches a deal to avoid the so-called fiscal cliff. But things take a sharp turn for the worse when Bieber is dumped by his longtime girlfriend, Selena Gomez, and caught smoking pot within a week. It’s not all bad, though, as millions of teenage girls follow Bieber’s lead, buying out smoke shops around the country and inadvertently driving an economic boom that sends unemployment rates plummeting to five-year lows.

By February, the strong economy leads President Obama to give Bieber an official Presidential commendation for his valiant and patriotic public substance abuse. However, all that glitters is not gold (though Bieber's teeth are after the federal government mints a new coin in their shape). The singer embarks on an international tour, playing arenas and stadiums around the world, but his strong association with the US government hurts foreign ticket sales.

Things only get worse in March when Bieber is interviewed by tween magazine Tiger Beat Pakistan. Answering a question about the prophet Muhammed, Bieber answers “I dunno. He’s cool, I guess,” setting off a global firestorm about what temperatures, exactly, are allowable in describing the prophet. Bieber is kidnapped following a press event with Hot 94.9 KPOP Islamabad and closes the month tied to a folding chair in an unknown location. To make matters worse, Weird Al Yankovic’s devastating “Baby” parody (“Bieb-weed”) climbs to number 37 on the Billboard charts.

The US economy continues to flourish due to record sales of Forever 21 brand commando gear. Millions of 11-15 year olds across the country plot daring BiebeRescue operations. Luckily Bieber is released by his captors after they realize that the walls of any safehouse – no matter how thick – are not enough to contain his charm. Though he spends most of April recovering from his harrowing capture, Scholastic publishes the poetry that Bieber scrawled with blood on the inside of his hoodie in order to maintain some semblance of sanity. Within weeks it becomes the most read book in the history of civilization.

May is mostly uneventful for Justin Bieber; he drives his Range Rover through a crowded zoo, makes his debut as a professional baseball player, marries then divorces then re-marries, and finally finds Religion (Religion being the pet moose that ran away from Bieber’s childhood home in London, Ontario).

Disaster strikes. Since the pop star has not been kidnapped or photographed with drug paraphernalia in months, the Bieber-fueled economy collapses on June 1^st. Congress passes a stimulus bill designed to entice the singer into recording a new album, but to no avail. Bieber says life as a married man has changed him and he’s leaving the record industry behind for life as a simple farmer in the hills of Idaho. Though this leads to the Great Potato Boom of Aught-Thirteen, it further cripples the spiraling economy. Weird Al Yankovic’s “Never Say Bieber” peaks at number 13.

Washington falls and the dollar loses all value, desirous only for its base components of cotton and green dye – useful in the new black market potato trade. World leaders denounce Bieber’s poetry as “pedantic” and “callow.” Hoping to stem the tide, One Direction records an album of Bieber covers, only to tear themselves apart over who most embodies Bieber’s smooth voice and stupid pants. Legions of fans wait anxiously for Biebs to come out of hiding, but anthropologists will come to refer to July only as The Silence.

Suddenly the clouds break and the Great One (as he’s now known to the readership of Us Weekly) makes an August appearance on a beach in Puerto Vallarta. Paparazzi discover a mysterious 2,178 mile long tunnel back to Bieber’s Idaho farm. When one cameraman steps too close, the Great One trains his eyes on the paparazzo and he suddenly bursts into flame. Something has changed. While fans eat up Bieber’s new recordings about pentagrams and the coming rapture, Viceroy Romney’s temporary government designates him Public Enemy Number One.

September finds millions of fans gathering – almost supernaturally – for a convention in Boise. Formerly known as Beliebers, but now cryptically referring to themselves as Scourge, they run roughshod over the peaceful city. Though the Viceroy has classified Scourge as a terrorist organization, the military is paralyzed by fears that Bieber has convalesced into a walking Weapon of Mass Destruction. Whispers spread that Romney himself has fallen under the Great One’s spell when Weird Al Yankovic is executed for treason before he can release “Boyfriend (The Pizza Song).”

Millions march toward The Dark Mountain (formerly known as Boise) in a blank-eyed daze. We find it difficult to resist its pull. October is finally come. Happy Halloween.

Let us not speak of The Unfortunate November.

In December, we find peace. It is hard fought and lives are lost, but they will be remembered as our martyrs. They did not die in vain, for the Great One rules and the future looks bright.

Soon, everyday will be Dick Clark’s Rockin’ New Year’s Eve.